Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
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[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Passwords are more important than ever.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no