I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
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When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”