[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
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[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*