“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
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I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.