Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
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A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Still cracks me up
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
time for some seasonal decor
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.