(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
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Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
yeah no that’s fair
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time