Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
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God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?