I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
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The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Cats are still liquid.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.