Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
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Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
“We will wed,” I threatened
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves