They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
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If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes