If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
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Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Natural selection at its finest
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.