Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
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My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.