“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
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amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.