I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
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The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
*limbos under the caution tape
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
WTF IS THAT!
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.