Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
You Might Also Like
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
My guardian angel deserves a raise
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.