My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
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Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom