Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
You Might Also Like
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?