When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
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Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
step 6: release the wall snake
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.