“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
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Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.