We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
You Might Also Like
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
That’s incredible! 👌
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.