FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
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[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here