One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
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I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
at ease…shoulder.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Twitter fine art
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy