If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
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Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X