Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Me as a therapist: omg same
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.