Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
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My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
my dog when i have a friend over
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.