Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
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WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Liquor Store Parking
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*