Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
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Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Need WebMD
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
groan^2
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.