A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
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If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
What the hell is going on?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.