Husband of the year 😂
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Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.