I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
blocked.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.