The Assassin.
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that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”