*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
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You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know