My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
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Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
The happy life.. 😊
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x