I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
You Might Also Like
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.