Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
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My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.