i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
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I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Lube but for my dry humor.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My biological clock is wheezing.
I love the honesty
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.