Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
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Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread