TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
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“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
BETRAYAL
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”