If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
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lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Bring back the McRib
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks