Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
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wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
What a website
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭