If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
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In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
We’ve come full circle
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv