professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
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Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.