*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
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鈿狅笍 Important Reminder:
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Little kids only want to be independent when you鈥檙e running late.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Obviously if someone鈥檚 in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
rapatouille
Knock Knock
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
life finds a way
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Life Coach: Tell me something you鈥檝e done that鈥檚 amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Her: It wasn鈥檛 all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka