Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
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date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.