[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
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It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
crying
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
O Wise One….
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.