If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
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Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
thanks auntie mary