Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
You Might Also Like
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.