I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
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I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”