Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
You Might Also Like
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I unironically love this joke.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂