Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
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I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both